Learning to Share

LEARNING TO SHARE

Wanting something
another dog has is normal.

Not getting everything
they want is healthy.

Sharing the throne with Dad, the King. ...Photo courtesy of Denise ColombeFrye

Give and Take.

Humans feel the need to make everything fair - but in the bigger scheme of things, this isn't necessary or even good for dogs. Dogs don't live in a democracy. Higher status dogs take what they want and lower status dogs defer.

Ownership of things and access to areas is one of the ways dogs peaceably establish and maintain status in a healthy relationship. As the Leader of your household, you should be in the position as giver of all good things, the one who decides what, where, when and with whom. It should not be your dog's place to make demands and statements about who gets attention when or what belongs to whom or when things should happen. That's your "parental" role.

No Fair!
I primarily wrote this article in response to questions from pet owners who felt it so necessary to make sure everything was "fair" that they couldn't bear it if one dog took both bones or if they had to put a dog in another room behind a baby gate so it couldn't barge in on a training session with another. "He'll cry!"

It's not possible to have a productive training session with another pet constantly butting in and hogging the attention. An unnatural need for fairness might mean neither dog gets as much attention or training if the pet owner is so concerned about hurting the other dog's feelings that they don't spend as much time working either dog.

This is what a healthy training session should look like! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0oMf9dg2pGQ
Thank you to Karen Jurasin for sharing her training session with young "Scout" and older sister "Cinders" and kitty friend!

Another common scenario concerning fairness is when an adult dog of many years is being over run by a headstrong pup with no boundaries. In an attempt to keep things "fair" owners sometimes interfere with normal puppy education. An adult dog might communicate his right as elder by sometimes having both bones and thus teach the pup he can't always have everything he wants. This healthy puppy education is thwarted when owners respond to the pup's incessant barking and scold the adult dog and present the pup with the bone.

This need for unnatural "fairness" increases stress, it doesn't ease it. It creates monsters who can't share or wait their turn, like spoiled children. My goal in this article is to encourage less micromanaging of "fairness" and let dogs be dogs - knowing that disappointment and being left out on occasion is healthy. In spite of their attempt to make things fair, the owner experiences increased frustration and their dogs' aggression toward each other may escalate. It's quite alright to take Buffy for a walk today and leave Spot home with no apology or making up necessary - in fact, it's good for Spot to realize that good things come to those who wait!

People, places and things.
One dog may walk over and present a favorite toy to another canine family member almost as a gift ... or he may drop it as a dare and then snatch it up again, just because he can. Lower status dogs may walk right over and take a bone out of the mouth of a higher status dog - because he decided to let them. Puppies parade by other puppies with a prized possession seemingly as if to say "neener neener" and then take off running, ensuring a chase. It's an invitation to play. Don't feel you have to fix it by making sure everyone has the bone they want. Let dogs be dogs!

Mine!! ..grrrrr!!

Wanting to keep something when another shows interest is normal for dogs (and kids!) Becoming violent about keeping something is not. Injuring each other over what they want to keep is not healthy for the pack - physically or socially. It's dangerous to everyone who lives with a dog who is willing to use force to maintain ownership something. Obsessing about keeping something is stressful to the dog and everyone around the dog. If you have serious resource guarding, see a professional.

What about when the conflict is over YOU?

You are not a bone to be guarded. The couch, the Lazy Boy, the bed are all yours. You may choose to share, or not. You may choose to share today, but not tomorrow. And that's okay - if you are a good leader, that is your right. If you have issues over these areas, visit the Leadership section of this website! If those issues involve aggression, get professional help! (DITR has behavior consultants who would be happy to help you!)

Your attention is a valuable commodity that is earned, not owned.

If your dog shoves his way into your space and flips your elbow to signal that it is petting time, that's attention on his terms. If you reach to pet another dog and your other dog muscles him out of the way and stands guard over the space around your knees, you have become a possession to be owned. Stand up and leave!

When you want to train Spot, Fido must wait his turn.

When you decide to pet, praise or give a food reward to another dog, your other dogs must not butt in. When you set Fido's dish on the floor, Spot's face should not be in it! If you sit on the couch, there should be no pushing and shoving to be the one who sits with mom. Mom gets to invite who she wants this time, and the un-chosen should accept her right to choose gracefully without complaint.

Mutual attention and training.

See "Working a Group at the Same Time"

Cooperative Play:

Four dogs, one stick.

This handout may be reprinted in its entirety for distribution free of charge and with full credit given:
© CAROL A. BYRNES "DIAMONDS IN THE RUFF" Training for Dogs & Their People -
ditr_training @ hotmail.com - http://www.diamondsintheruff.com

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